“I am sorry, babe,” I said immediately I stepped in.
He was standing beside the TV console with a remote on his hand, probably about to watch Stranger Things, his current favourite TV show.
And now, he stared at me in confusion.
“Why are you apologising?”
What does he mean why am I apologising?
What’s wrong with him? Of course, I had to apologise.
I hadn’t reached out to him in the past 24 hours and he sent me series of text and calls that I missed.
It wasn’t my fault, I promise. I had such a busy day at work and even had to work overtime because we were expecting auditors.
One of the accounts for one of our products, for some reason, had some discrepancies and our CFO made it clear we needed to balance the account before we left for the day, making sure to add that we must all put our phones on silence and away.
I’d been about to send him a message to let him know I’d be busy when the CFO came into the office, saw me on my phone and added that caveat.
If I could speak out, I would have told him it was unnecessary to put our phones on silence. What if one of us had to be reached for an emergency and we were nowhere to be found?
But I worked for the typical Nigerian boss. You don’t talk back except you had another job lined up the next day.
So, I had been stuck with no way to reach him.
When we finally found out that it was due to a miscalculation of the price of one of the raw materials, we were allowed to check our phones.
I hadn’t been surprised but definitely worried to find 4 missed calls from Tade and a bunch of messages, asking where I was.
By the last message, “are you OK? Just let me know you are fine even if you don’t want to speak to me,” I figured he was angry.
I knew I should have called but I’d been afraid of what I’d hear. So, I’d felt safer to text and that was what I did.
I sent him a lengthy text, explaining what happened and apologising.
Then I went home to sleep.
By the time I woke up, I got an “Alright, that’s okay. I was just worried when I didn’t hear from you. Talk later.”
And since then, he hadn’t called me back.
Why was he not calling if he said it was alright?
He did send me a text telling me he’d be busy as well today but I didn’t believe him.
He must have been trying to pay me back what I did to him yesterday.
Thankfully, my team was given today off. So, I decided to come see him after work – his, that is.
Again, I texted him about my intention and he simply said, “okay, see you soon.”
Usually, he told me he couldn’t wait to see me.
He had to be angry. There was no way he wasn’t and he was definitely punishing me by not speaking to me.
So, even though I hated conflict with everything in me, I needed to see him to apologise.
Maybe when he saw my face, he’d be willing to let it go.
But now, I realized it was harder than I thought. He was obviously planning to play dumb so I thought everything was okay, and when I wasn’t watching, he’d pull the rug from under me.
I didn’t want to lose Tade. I loved him too much.
After we met on Instagram when I sent him a DM to appreciate the Falz challenge he did for Mr Yakubu, there had been no going back.
Tade was everything I wanted in a man. But it was beginning to look like I was going to lose him.
Because why was he looking at me all confused, like he didn’t understand what was going on.
“What is it?” he said again.
“What do you mean what is it?”
He scrunched his face, “I don’t understand. Am I supposed to know why you are apologising if you don’t tell me why you are?
I studied him closely, he did look confused. But I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t afford to believe him; I have seen this play out before. They pretend all is well, make you feel crazy for thinking it is not, and then, the next day, they disappear from your life.
But I didn’t want to argue, so I was going to play along. If he claimed he didn’t know what was wrong, all I had to do was juggle his memory.
“I didn’t call you all yesterday,” I finally said, belying all I would have rather said.
“Okay?”
“And I am apologising for that.”
“Oh,” he burst into laughing. “Are you for real? I thought we were done with that yesterday. I was definitely angry yesterday, then worried. But once I got your message, I was cool.”
His explanation made a lot of sense. But he was lying; you only had to know men.
“So why didn’t you speak to me all day today?” I asked.
“Ehm, today has not ended,” he joked, while going to sit on the couch opposite the TV, believing all was settled.
It wasn’t, mister.
I maintained my stance by the door. “No, you know what I am talking about. It is evening. Usually, you send me messages to check in throughout the day. But I didn’t any today.”
Now, he paused, looking at me like he hadn’t seen me before. “Where is this coming from?”
“I am just trying to get you to admit you are angry, so we can settle this matter.”
“But I just told you I wasn’t angry. Do I look angry to you?”
He didn’t. But that doesn’t mean a thing.
“So tell me why you didn’t text?”
Sighing, he answered. “I did text you though, Dami. I told you I’d be busy. That was my way of letting you know you don’t have to worry if you don’t hear from me all day,” he finished, drawling the all day.
While I contemplated what he was saying, he continued, “And I figured it was just as well that I was busy, I assumed you would spend your day off sleeping or resting because of the mental work you had to do yesterday.”
That made sense. But why was I still unsatisfied?
“But if you say you are not angry, why did you just say, “see you then” when I said I was coming to see you? Usually, you tell me you can’t wait to see me.
“Oh”
“Yeah”. Caught him!
“I am sorry about that. I was busy, so I was occupied. I replied your message absentmindedly, I didn’t mean to sound uninterested. Of course, I was happy you were coming to see me.
Now, it was my turn to say, “oh”.
“But Dami, you really need to stop overthinking everything,” he chided. “The fact that I didn’t say the exact words I say doesn’t mean all is not well. However, I realise it might take you time to get there, so if I say something you find off, instead of overthinking, call my attention to it, okay?”
“Okay”.
“Good. Now come join me, let’s watch Stranger Things. I already ordered food for us.”
He settled down on the couch, stretching one hand for me to join him while he fumbled with the remote with the other. When I didn’t respond, he looked at me again. “What is it?”
Should I let it go or should I express all my doubts and save my relationship?
I shifted on both feet in discomfort, fearing looking at him for what I’d find in his eyes. What if he found me too much trouble because I was scared he was pretending?
“What’s wrong?” I heard his voice again, so I raised my head to look at him. Instead of frustration, I found patient confusion in his too-die-for eyes.
“I am just scared. I don’t know why I still feel like something is wrong despite the fact that all you said made sense.”
As expected, Tade stared at me in silence, contemplating me. After what seem like hours of staring at each other, he stood up and came towards me.
Then he held me by my shoulders and turned me to face him, “look at me, Dami.”
When he saw he had my full attention, he said, “I know this might sound strange to you.”
A pause.
“OK?”
“But I am not your ex.”
