We had everything set. It was meant to be a simple task.
He was simply supposed to call me every other night and chat with me when he was free to so my mum can be at peace.
Mum had been pressuring me about bringing a man home.
And although I love her to death, she was beginning to get on my last nerves.
However, I was raised right.
Or, you know what, let me just be honest; the truth is that I just can’t talk back to her.
If I said all I was thinking everytime she brought up the topic, we’d have had an impromptu family meeting.
So, to save myself and my family the hassle, I decided to look for a solution that would work for everybody.
I got the idea from a lady on Twitter and thought, why not?
Find a guy to call me once in a while and my mum would be happy I have a man.
Simple, right?
Well, you’d be wrong. It has been the most difficult thing.
The first issue I had was finding the right man. Even though I got the idea from Twitter, I didn’t think to use social media at first.
What would be the use of the male friends I have if they couldn’t do me a favour?
They were mostly acquaintances though, but still, it wasn’t like I was going to ask for a favour that’d cost them. They were just going to call me more than they used to; that was it.
The idea made sense to me until I considered the 5 male friends – acquaintances – I could ask for something like this.
One is engaged; so, inappropriate.
The other 4 have asked me out at one point or the other. And because I rejected them, we became friends – acquaintances.
I’m probably annoying you by insisting on acquaintances right now.
I know.
I just want to make sure you get the right picture.
But I digress. Asking the other 4 for this kind of favour just seems sketchy or insensitive of their feelings.
I want to believe they have gotten over me by now; I’m not narcissistic.
But there is always a chance doing this might lead them on.
So, using them sounded like a bad idea.
I’d like to sound altruistic and tell you I came up with this myself but I didn’t realise asking them would be inappropriate until I spoke to my best friend.
My reason for telling her was because, one, she is my best friend and telling her comes with the territory. But also because I needed a sounding board to run the idea by.
I didn’t expect the turn the conversation took. But needless to say, she made me rethink asking my male friends – acquaintances 😜
And boy, was I grateful for her interference.
Anyways, after deciding not to use the guys, I resorted to using social media.
However, instead of Twitter, I decided to use TikTok so I wouldn’t be accused of plagiarism or whatever Naija Twitter might decide my crime was if I were to be discovered.
In case you are wondering how this would be an issue, you only have to know Twitter. Even the most innocent thing can be blown out of proportion if the powers that be decide it is.
And for all my spunk, I can’t handle the mob.
So to save my head from the potential danger, I went to TikTok where people just want to have fun.
And what better way to have fun than to help a lady deceive her mum she has a man?
Making that resolve, I made a post on TikTok and asked for a man that was available to help me.
I’m not the most popular voice on TikTok, but people love stuff like this, so the post garnered reasonable response.
I think I had close to 200 comments. For an unrecognizable face, that was huge.
I went through each and every comment. Most were from other ladies wishing me the best or talking about what a genius idea it was.
The responses from men who volunteered were very few, I must admit. About 15 or so but I was happy I only had a few profiles to filter through.
Of the 15 or so men who volunteered, somehow, Bayo stood out.
Just like me, his profile was practically empty. So, no, it wasn’t some intelligent or entertaining post that got me.
No, it was something else. And you know what? I’m just going to say it – if I perish, I perish.
He was the finest among them.
He is fair, with a little goatee that I normally wouldn’t appreciate but he rocks his well. From his picture, he looks tall but I couldn’t be sure.
Immediately, I saw him, I knew he was the one. In fact, I even started daydreaming about him falling in love with me.
And that propelled me to quickly send him a private message.
He replied almost immediately and we chatted for a while to get to know each other.
At first, I figured chatting on TikTok was fine but he reminded me he couldn’t call me if he didn’t have my number, so I gave it to him.
After our lengthy discussion, we decided he was to resume duty right away because I needed my mum off my back like yesterday.
Perfect plan, right?
Well, no; he ghosted me.
Can you believe it?
Like we chatted for close to 3 hours the previous day getting to know each other and agreeing to do this, only for me to not hear from him the next day.
Unfortunately, I did not have his number because he took mine, promising to call.
So, I had literally no way to reach him other than TikTok.
I did what any normal thinking human being would do in that situation.
I sent him messages upon messages on TikTok.
I mean, apart from the fact that I needed him, I was also worried. What could have happened to make him out of touch?
After about a week of bombarding his phone, worrying, overthinking and getting no answers, I gave up.
What’s a girl to do? At that point, I had reached the stage of acceptance. Yeah, he must have ghosted me.
I’m sure you agree with me that that had to be the issue, right?
Well, if you agree, you are as wrong as I was because just when I had accepted my fate and decided to move on, I got a message.
It was simple. It was direct. It was clear.
“Stop texting my husband.”
